Things Gina would have...

Apart from family and work, over the last several years, another constant in my life has been "the band". It's been more than just a passtime; it's provided a social focus and a group of friends that I've enjoyed spend time with. My absence last year and the closing of the place where two of us worked - and where we rehearsed  every week, spelled the end for it. Since the beginning of 2025 there has been talk of one last "social"; something we had done a couple of times a year, where the group have an afternoon of beer-drinking and an Indian meal. I thought that by now I'd be ready for this, but have found myself wanting to pull-out. I've written before about how difficult it is to allow ourselves to do anything enjoyable. This feels like that but "turned up to 11". I know that after a couple of beers I'll relax and everything will be like it was before... but when I sober up the guilt and regret will kick in. I've been persuade...

Today is one of those days which are especially hard. Like Mothers Day, today would have involved Gina in some way; even if it was just a telephone call. But Today the phone didn't ring. There was no Father's Day card waiting on the doormat. Anyone who thinks they can imagine how it feels to lose a child, is wrong. We spent months knowing this would happen, or at least that it was possible. In all that time, we knew it would be awful, but completely failed to prepare ourselves. That was partly because we were focused on each day and doing everything we could for our daughter. But still, we couldn't have known how gut wrenching bereft we would be as 2025 dawned or how that would fail to fade after almost half a year. We didn't realise how dismal and depressing almost everything would seem... or how hard it would be to find joy in anything; even things which should bring it in abundance. We didn't realise that we'd have to pretend to be OK to people, but worry abo...

Yesterday, Gina's sister had her second baby; it was in many ways bitter sweet. Gina and Greg would have liked children and even discussed it just before the London surgery which so cruelly took that possibility away from them. Gina would of course have been home to see the new arrival, who has been given the middle name George. For us, hospitals are a place of sadness and desperation so it's tough to be there at all, and harder still to display the joy and hope which accompanies a new person entering the world - one who will never know their Auntie Gina.