Things Gina would have...

In 2023, Gina ran her first marathon in Edinburgh. It would no doubt have been the first of many if she hadn't become ill. Cruelly perhaps, the 2026 Edinburgh marathon fell on what should have been Gina's 30th birthday. In a different universe where she had survived, Gina would have been there battling through, to support the charities that helped her through 2024.  The coincidence wasn't missed by Gina's friends though. In the end, around a dozen of her friends and family ran in the 10k, half and full marathon events. Among them were her brother and brother-in-law as well as friends from college and university. It was a hugely emotional weekend which I was personally dreading, for all the wrong reasons. We've discovered that one of the difficulties in dealing with losing a child, is that for the most part, everyone else moves on - as they should. They see us coping with daily life in view of others, and assume that we are OK; that we have to some degree moved on - ...

As we gather our things to head home after a week at Gina's flat, I find myself wishing I could stay longer. I have no regrets about buying the flat and I feel it's an important part of my coping mechanism.  Being here, it seems OK to talk about Gina; to remember things she and we did here. It's somehow less morbid. I'm glad we have this place. I'm sure Gina would have approved. 

Mothers Day is another difficult time of year, for a mother without her daughter. It seems cruel that as everyone else celebrates, visits, sends flowers, Gina's mother is having to see al that happening publicly on Facebook etc, while having to cope with the fact that there will be no new card from her daughter. No phone call.  This year, as last, Gina's last Mothers Day card is proudly displayed again. A reminder, if one were needed, of what we've lost.

Now that it's more than a year since we lost Gina, people might expect it to get easier - the first anniversary has gone, the first Christmas has been avoided. The problem is (as Gina used to say), that's not how it works.  The fact that it's now over a year means that we no longer have the "this time last year" moments to look back on. They somehow helped, and there's a feeling that we slowly forget the last year we had with Gina. Even though much of it was awful, there were brighter moments and at least a sense of purpose. As that fades into the past, it feels like we're losing more of her. Hanging onto memories id not easy; perhaps not possible.