Anger

I'm not sure what a psychologist would say about it but... To anyone but my close family, I must appear to be on top of things. I tell everyone "I'm fine", which at that moment may be true. But the problem is it doesn't take much to suddenly not be OK. And it's not just the times that the grief swells up and sadness takes hold. Other negative emotions are always on the brink too. Anger, impatience and irrationality are also there waiting to bubble up. At a time where we all need to show some understanding to one another, self-centredness often gets in the way. I must try harder.

The grief I feel at Gina's loss is actually a mix of emotions. There's the personal loss of course; knowing we'll never hear her voice again, be able to hug her or feel the pride of seeing her achieve new things. There's also the anger of the injustice of it all. Then there's the sadness of knowing that she will never do all the things she wanted in life, denied the bright future she should have had ahead if her.

Anger is a tough one. Who or what do you direct that anger towards? Who do we blame for what happened. If you believe in a God then you can blame him. Why did he let that happen? What did Gina do wrong to deserve the awful disease that cut her life tragically short? If like me, you Don't believe in God, then who or what do you blame? Blind luck? Doctors? Surgeons? The failing NHS? All of those things played a part but they don't provide a focal point. It's probably true that Gina could have been saved if various medics, private and NHS had acted sooner and not made assumptions which let the cancer take hold and spread it before it could be treated. On balance, our broken health care system is to blame but again, that doesn't provide a target for our anger.. so it continues to simmer.