Things Gina would have...

We've already had the anniversary of the day Gina found out she had cancer, but this year will be full of significant dates.  Yesterday was Mothers Day - a tough one to get through for Gina's mum (note to self - don't watch a harrowing TV drama about traumatised parents, when you are clinging on by your fingernails already) . Other anniversaries are coming up - Gina's birthday in May will be hard. Christmas will be worse. I'd love to say that it's getting easier as time goes on, but all of us seem to have had a difficult few weeks. Perhaps denial is fading and the reality is sinking in. Even so, it still doesn't feel real.

Before university, before she "flew the nest", Gina had a few favourite things she liked to make in the kitchen (other than a mess!). One of those was flapjack, from a recipe printed on a tea towel which came from Ireland. The tea towel is faded and frayed, but still legible, so ... Chris has had a go at it today.  One of the food options at Gina's funeral was the Preston delicacy  butter pie  . Chris has had a crack at that as well today.  Gina would have approved of both.

One of the things about grief, is how it makes you feel guilty if you smile, laugh or do anything which might be considered enjoyable. It feels wrong; even disrespectful... except of course that we know that our lost loved-one would not have wanted this. In the middle of last year, we were gifted the chance to stay away in the Lakes for a night with a fine-dining experience. At the time of course, we couldn't go, and even then hoped that Gina and her partner could go instead. That wasn't to be.  So we found ourselves with time running out, and booked a night away.  Gina would have loved it. Starting with a ginger beer - Gina loved anything with ginger... the whole thing was perhaps wasted on us but would have been properly appreciated by our daughter. We wish she could have enjoyed it instead of us, but at least we've broken our duck and been and done something for ourselves.  The meal was something else - an experience rather than just food. The surroundings were certain...

It always brings a lump to the throat when we see a young woman - especially with blonde hair - out running as Gina loved to do. It's tough not to be resentful; to wonder why Gina isn't allowed to be out doing one of the things she loved most. We walk quite a bit, so it happens often, and I suspect it will always be a reminder of what she, and we, have lost. Sometimes when people do things for good reasons, it's hard to deal with. People running for charity in Gina's memory is undoubtedly a nice way to honour her, but it's still tough to see other people doing something Gina would have loved to be doing.

Grief is a strange thing. It hides in the shadows while you are busy and jumps out when you least expect it.  A few days ago, I was working - doing my usual database stuff in Access. This should be a safe environment, with no tripwires or boobytraps. Not so, it seems.  There's me looking up when we last placed an order with a company in Germany - it turns out that we've just placed the second one, with the first being back in 2015 - initials GAB.  Gina would have been amused that the evidence of work she did in her summer holidays is still lurking almost10 years later in a system in Cheltenham.

Gina would have loved it ... if what she was initially told after the first surgery, turned out to be true. One year ago today, Gina went in for routine keyhole surgery to remove what was thought to be a benign ovarian cyst. When she came round after surgery, she found out that they'd had to open her up, which was a blow, but she was told that it was all done.  If only that had been true.  A little while later, the surgeon appeared, to drop the bombshell that he'd burst the cyst and then found what he thought was cancer, and just sewed her back up. That news came without anybody else present, leaving Gina to call us in tears, as her life was turned upside down, starting a nine-month rollercoaster that none of us were prepared for. If only the cyst hadn't  been burst, or the scans had been interpreted more effectively. Perhaps, just perhaps things might have turned out differently.

Last night Chris & I went to the Liverpool Philharmonic to see Fish, the former Marillion singer, on his farewell tour. Gina would NOT have loved it. I tried many times (and failed) to get Gina interested in Marillion. The most recent attempt was in the Beatson late last year. We had another gig booked for the three of us next month, for something she would have loved - Steven Wilson - but sold the tickets. We couldn't bring ourselves to go to that - the options being an empty seat or someone else sat where Gina should be. Also, that would have been in Glasgow.