Things Gina would have...

It's that time of year when the shops are full of mince pies and all the trappings of the commercial Christmas bulldozer. Perhaps understandably, we are not much in the mood for celebrating. There will be no tree here this year. There will be no decorations and everything which can be avoided, will be avoided.  Gina would have disapproved. She'd have wanted us to learn to live without her. Perhaps we will, but Christmas? I don't see us ever celebrating Christmas again, but this year will be especially difficult to endure. 

One of Gina's "funny little ways" was that when changing the volume on the TV, she would always ensure that it was left on an even number. At the time I used to deliberately go for an odd number just to be awkward. I now realise that I probably caused her real anxiety and feel terrible about it. I now find myself doing as Gina would have wanted... Too little too late.

Gina would not  have been in her flat now. If things had not gone so horribly, cruelly wrong, she'd have been making a life with her partner.  For us though, the flat is a connection to Glasgow. It's a reason to keep going back, even though there is nothing left there of Gina's; we've brought it all home. Selling it will be yet another trauma that we need to endure.

The Great North Run was over a week ago now. We knew it would be tough, knowing that Gina would or should have been there running - if not there, then she'd have done other runs by now and we'd have been there to support her. This time we had to be there to support her cousin and boyfriend instead, who ran in Gina's name and raised money for the Beatson charity. We were on the edge of an emotional precipice all day. Normally, seeing young women in running gear, is difficult but oddly, having literally thousands of them didn't seem to have the same impact. Personally, speaking it was unexpected things which had me fighting back the tears - a child with a T-shirt saying "I'm here for my Mum" - a band of teenagers playing behind us. Things which wouldn't normally scratch the surface of an unemotional person like me, that nevertheless were enough to push me right to the edge. The stress of trying to get home, tired and drained at the end of a very long day...

Once upon a time, you used to be able to buy Lemon Polos. They were lemon but slightly minty too. Gina loved them and scoured the Internet looking for evidence that they still existed somewhere, years after they disappeared from UK shelves. No trace was found but they cropped up in conversation from time to time. Fast forward to Gina's brother's trip to China last month and what should appear at the end of a restaurant meal but something which looked and tasted suspiciously like a Lemon Polo.... He discovered that it was a catering product.. available in large bags of mixed flavours. Now which part is the lemon flavour? Gina would have loved finding out.

More reminders today.  Gina hated bits i  the butter... just like cooking veg, mentioned in yesterday's post, I am far more careful than I used to be when buttering my toast. Gina would have approved. Later, while walking through Liverpool, we had a quick look round Sostrene Grene; Gina loved the shop in Glasgow. It was one of the last shops she went into before her illness robbed her of that pleasure too.

 ... they are everywhere. It's not just the obvious things though - the photos of Gina or the things kept and displayed specifically to remind us of her. Every day involves doing things which Gina influenced in some way. Every day provides opportunities to realise that Gina would have approved (or disapproved) of what I am doing. Some examples: Today, I randomly remembered that the software I use to edit webpages and to do other programming tasks, was suggested by Gina. I use that every day. Cooking vegetables; I used to cook them quickly in a frying pan - Gina disapproved.  I now turn the heat down a notch or two, as if she's behind me silently tutting. These are just two that have come to mind today.